Fears Confirmed

On Wednesday, July 23rd, was my appointment to go to radiology and get a more advanced ultrasound. My doctor had told me that an appointment was made for me at 11:30 a.m., but apparently not. The nurse at the check-in desk wanted me to come back the next morning at 8 a.m.!!!! I was fuming. There was no way that I was going through another 24 hours of not knowing what was going on with my baby. Also, John and I had both taken the day off work so I wasn't about to request another day off. My boss probably thinks I'm crazy! I have had so many unexpected personal issues come up since I started the job and they all required a half-day or a day off.

I had promised myself to hold it together during my appointment, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. I completely lost it. John kept telling me to calm down, but it's hard to see your baby on an ultrasound screen, and know that on this earth, you will never hold it in your arms. My doctor had told me the day before to call between 1:30 p.m. and 2 p.m. and she would know the results. I called twice between 1:30 p.m. and 4 p.m. with no luck of getting through to my doctor. One of the nurse's called me at 4:30 p.m. to tell me the devastating news: "There has been a fetal demise. I'm sorry." I lost it - again. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I was hoping this was a nightmare and I would wake up soon.

I had changed all of my life plans when I found out I was having a baby and I was excited for the new change. My life is so routine and boring, so a new change was exciting. I had planned to talk to my boss about working from home, put school on hold, etc. Now, I had to go back to my original life plans. It has definitely been hard to go from "baby mode" back to "normal life".

Before I even received the news there was fetal demise, I gave John a piece of my mind. Not many people know about my past with John, and frankly, I'm thankful for that. John and I dated for a few months, and 2 weeks before his academy graduation, we broke up. I was pretty upset, and for some reason, never got over him. About a month later, he called me and we started talking again - as friends. John and I have never been on bad terms, so it felt pretty normal to be back in touch with him again. We hung out a few times off and on throughout the year, and May was the first time I had seen him in a long time. I won't go into everything I told John on Wednesday, but I have decided to let him go. It's time to move on, especially after everything that has happened, and it was never a healthy relationship to begin with. I'm proud of myself for finally letting go of John and moving on from my past.

My Second Appointment

I had my second doctor's appointment on Tuesday. First off, John was late meeting up with me, which made us both late getting to the doctor's office, and then we were even later because they kept us at the registration desk for 15 minutes! I absolutely despise being late so I wasn't very happy. I also felt as if this appointment wasn't going very well to start with. Pessimistic - I know.
The appointment was very short and we had to wait probably a total of 5 minutes - at the most. My doctor came in, tried listening to the baby's heartbeat through the Doppler, and couldn't hear anything but me. That's all she kept saying - "I can't hear the baby. I can just hear you." Obviously, that worried me, and I know it worried her, so she brought in the ultrasound machine. My doctor still couldn't hear anything. Not one, single, thing. At that point, I lost it. I absolutely lost it. I was devastated. I knew what it meant, even though it seemed as if there was a "gray area". My doctor told me that she didn't see "good stuff" and wanted to send me to radiology for a more advanced ultrasound. Since my doctor didn't come right out and tell me that there had been a fetal demise, I think that's why I felt as if there was a "gray area". I was also concerned when I saw '8 weeks, 2 days' on the ultrasound screen when I'm supposed to be '11 weeks, 5 days'.

Check next blog for more....

9 weeks, 31 weeks to go

Well, tomorrow marks the start of week 10. By August 1, I'll be in my 2nd trimester. I can't believe it. Time flies! This week has been pretty good except for my fatique, which has been worse than normal. For some reason, ever since Sunday, I've had the hardest time getting to sleep. I'm just really uncomfortable. I can't seem to find a comfortable position. Well, last night, I slept with a pillow between my legs and boy did I sleep good! It was wonderful. Hopefully I continue to sleep well.

I also put an offer in on a house on Saturday and found out on Tuesday that my offer was accepted! Check out MySpace for pictures. There will be more pictures added this weekend when I get a chance to go to the house. It needs some TLC, but when all of it is done, it will be really nice. So between dealing with the house and with how tired I've been, I'm ready for the weekend! Have a great week everyone.

8 weeks, 32 weeks to go

Well, today I'm 8 weeks and 5 days along. My life right now can be described in one word: fatigue. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed, I'm exhausted. I have also been going to bed at 9:30 p.m. or earlier if I can. For those who know me, I'm a night owl. I usually stay up until 10:30 p.m. or 11:00 p.m. without a problem. I'm also not a morning person, so no matter how early I go to bed, even now, I'm exhausted. My new job doesn't help the situation. My job is very stressful and makes me even more tired than I already am. It's a very demanding job and you really have to stay on top of everything. I haven't told any at work yet about my pregnancy and I plan on waiting until I really start showing, around month 4 or 5. I also plan on not working after December 23rd. I figured that would be a good time since the baby is due the first week of February and the end of December seemed like a good time because of the holidays. You're supposed to get a bunch of energy during the 2nd trimester and then be tired again during the 3rd trimester so I'm counting the weeks until I'm 4 months along! I hate being this tired. It's definitely uncomfortable. I'm used to having a bunch of energy and used to being able to do a lot of things at night that I can't do during the day.

So....moving on from that - my cravings. I am TOTALLY craving salsa and bagels with cream cheese. Weird, huh? No pickles and ice cream for me! I haven't had ice cream in over a month which is weird for me. I haven't had any chocolate either and I am a big sweets person. Once I have my daily dose of salsa, I'm happy. : )

I will give another update next week. I doubt I'll be feeling any less tired, but maybe I'll have a new craving to share! Have a great 4th of July!

My First Appointment

Tuesday, June 24th finally came! I was SO very excited!! My appointment was at 4 p.m. Little did I know I would be there for almost 2 hours! We (John and I) were asked a few questions by one of the nurses and then after that, we had to wait in the room for 45 minutes. I was going crazy! I couldn't wait to see my baby on the screen and waiting 45 minutes was definitely unexpected. Once the doctor came in, it was wonderful. I cried when I saw my baby on the screen. I knew I probably would, but once I saw my baby, I felt so much love inside of me. It was amazing. It was nice to finally have my first appointment and get the ball rolling. My next appointment is July 22nd and by that time, I'll be 11 1/2 weeks --- almost 3 months! The only bad part about my appointment was that my doctor told me I need to take a blood test. That's not necessarily the bad part, though; I had to have NINE tubes of blood taken!! I don't mind having blood tests, but NINE tubes? Holy smokes! Luckily, for all of the subsequent blood tests, only 2 tubes of blood need to be taken. Now that I have caught you all up on my pregnancy so far, I can catch you up on my cravings and how I'm feeling!